Harry Potter Parody: Larry and the Wizard's Tomato
by The Book Ninja
Summary: Catastrophe strikes Facelong academy just as the protagonist, Larry Potter, arrives at the school... of course . Will the evil dark lord prevail? Will this book waste your time completely? There's only one way to find out-read it!
1. Prologue

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Harry Potter. Just a fan.

**Note: **As is stated at the bottom of the page, this chapter isn't supposed to be very funny. It is just a little introduction to set the scene. It does not reflect the overall story, and you can skip it altogether for all I care. Just don't be put off by this chapter.

PROLOGUE

Mr Muesli of Number Four, Pivet Drive, sipped happily from a large bottle of Coke and settled his beefy figure onto a reclined, plush armchair. He sighed contentedly, took another gulp of Coke, and then lowered the bottle onto the ground and wiped his mouth with a burly hand. A few rays of sunlight filtered in through the window and highlighted Mr Muesli's form, illuminating his chubby, thickset features-evidence of years of overeating. He sniffed loudly, picked up the bottle of Coke and finished its contents, then casually flung it across the room. With a satisfied burp, he made his way to the fridge and was just about to reach in for another bottle when his wife, Mrs. Muesli, stepped into the room, her skinny frame coming beside him.

"Stop it with the Coke! What is that, your sixth bottle today?" Exclaimed the woman irritably.

"Oh, shut up!" Mr Muesli replied. To further add to this rebellious statement, he reached inside the fridge, pulled out a bottle of Coke, guzzled the whole bottle down in one go and belched loudly. After this, he inspected the inside of the fridge, and finding no more bottles of coke inside it, stormed off to the shop, clutching a large black wallet exactly the same colour and size as his large black hat. Seething, Mrs. Muesli stormed into her bedroom, fell onto her bed and fell into a fitful sleep.

Outside Number Four, Pivet Drive, A black and white cow watched the street intently, mooing softly. A man appeared in a puff of smoke on the corner of the street. He had long, grey flowing hair, which, at the present moment, was partly hidden underneath a pointed conical hat. He walked up to the cow, and she continued to stare at him. Then, the cow recognised the man and mooed happily. It promptly transformed into a wrinkly old lady with an equally wrinkly hat sitting atop her head.

"Hello, McDonalds," said the man to the newly transformed lady, "Where's the little guy?"

"He's with Fatty. He should be arriving soon"

As if on cue, a motorbike appeared in the sky, roared loudly, and then landed with an almighty thud on the ground next to McDonalds and the man. A fat, hairy man was seated on the vehicle, and he thrust out a bundle towards the man, who took it. Then, the motorbike roared into the sky again, taking the fat, hairy man with it.

The man took the bundle to the door of Number Four, Pivet Drive, and laid it down on the doorstep. Suddenly, a soft cry emerged from the bundle, which happened to have a baby inside it. Then the baby started to scream, which meant in baby talk, "OMG! What the hell! Why do I have to wait another bloody ten years before I'm the bloody star of the book! The two figures then disappeared in a puff of smoke, leaving the baby to cry helplessly.

Fortunately for the baby, the author was kind enough to make ten years fly by in a very short space of time, only a small amount of words, in fact.


	2. Chapter 1: The First Chapter

CHAPTER 1: THE FIRST CHAPTER (obviously...)

"Get up, you lousy brat!"

"I'm still sleeping!"

"No you ain't!"

"I'm still sleeping!"

"GET UP!"

Reluctantly, Larry Potter, a small, if not a bit annoyed, ten year old boy orphaned for as long as he could remember after his parents were killed either by being run over by a pair of evil rampaging dinosaurs or a fatal car crash-he wasn't sure which. He pulled the sheets off his body and rubbed his heavy eyes. He yawned, his mouth opening wide, and fingered around on the floor for a pair of glasses. He found them, and put them on, the clouds disappearing from his vision, the scene around him becoming sharper and clearer. The tousled blankets, the small objects strewn around the room and the small wardrobe which housed his clothes all came into sharp focus.

"GGGGGGGEEEEEEETTTTT UUUUUPPPPP!"

"Geezus, man!" Said Larry, "You don't have to repeat letters like that!"

"SHUT UP! GET DOWN HERE NOW!"

Grumbling all manner of rude words under his breath, Larry trudged out of his room to the kitchen, where his father figure, Mr. Muesli, was waiting, his face a red beetroot. .

"MAKE DUMBO'S BIRTHDAY BREAKFAST NOW! BEFORE HE WAKES UP!" Shouted Mr. Muesli, looking as though steam was about to come pouring out of his ears.

"Sure, all you had to do was ask," replied Larry, feeding on Mr. Muesli's anger, and he promptly walked over to the fridge and pulled out a few rashers of bacon and threw them onto a pan placed on the stove. He then turned a silver dial and instantly flame erupted from the stove under the pan. He watched as the steam started to pour out from the pan and dissipate into the air.

"One day I'm gonna be famous," Larry said absently. "Everyone will know my name, there'll be a movie about me, th-"

"Oh yeah," said Mr. Muesli. Larry, unaware that Mr. Muesli was listening, turned around to face him. "And what'll that movie be called? Larry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone?

"Hey, that sounds right! How did you know that?" Said Larry

"Obviously, I'm a cyborg from the future".

"Really?"

"No"

"Oh..."

"Get back to work!"

Larry turned back to the stove, and seeing the bacon had browned and looked succulent and ready to serve, he turned the dial back and the flame disappeared. Mr Muesli watched him coldly as he placed two rashers of bacon on three different plates-one for Dumbo, Mrs. Muesli and the last one for Mr. Muesli. None for Larry-if he wanted food, he had to scrounge around in the bin. This showcased how little respect the Muesli's had for Larry.

Suddenly, a shrill cry reverberated around the room and Dumbo came bounding down the stairs, still in his pajamas, his whole body quivering with excitement.

"Give me my presents!" he shouted, "I want them now!"

Mr Muesli greeted Dumbo with a warm hug.

"Dumbo, m'boy!" said Mr. Muesli, lowering Dumbo back down to floor and rubbing him on the head. "Would you like to open your presents?"

Dumbo jumped excitedly. "

"Is that even a question?" and with that, he ran over to the table where a hefty pile of gift-wrapped presents lay stacked on each other. Dumbo literally leapt onto the mound of gifts and teared off the wrapping paper, not caring to read the cards addressed to him. He received thirty-five gifts in all, one of which was a snake which Larry particularly hated after having a conversation with it earlier, which had gone like this:

"You're lonely, just like me, aren't you," Larry had said

"No, not really," the snake had replied flatly, "Why don't you get a friend? You're a loner"

"Hey, I'm not a lo- hey, you can talk?"

"No"

"... then, uh, how are you talking?"

The snake had just stared at him icily.

"I'll leave you alone forever now," Larry had said, and he stayed true to his word, never daring to approach the strange creature again.

The next day, Larry awoke in the confined space of the attic to a loud banging sound. Curious as to what it could be, he groped around in the darkness for his glasses and found them. He slipped them on and opened up the door. It was still dark, and Larry found his way to the front door by holding his hands out and sliding his fingers along the wall. He approached the front door and found that it was shaking brutally backwards and forwards. Being the inquisitive type, Larry came closer to the door and called out,

"Hello! My name is Larry Potter! If you are a murderer, please go away, because we don't like those people. Thank you!

There was a muffled reply from the other side of the door which Larry couldn't discern, but all the same he stayed at the door. There was a loud crunching sound and the door flew off its hinges, revealing a muscular, strongly built man. He had a long, bristly beard and was dressed in a brown vest. He had a sparkle in his eyes which defied his aggressive actions, and he smiled at Larry.

"Nice to meet you. My name is Fatty"

"Certainly a good name to describe you," replied Harry.

"Pardon?"

"Oh, nothing. So, uh, I'm just wondering why you smashed the door off and came into our house and started talking to me as if I'm your friend".

"Oh, sorry, I haven't got that before! I've been sent here fr-"

Suddenly, Fatty's figure was enlightened by a pair of bright headlights that appeared behind him. He turned around to see a blue car, hovering above the ground. A scrawny young boy with red hair and freckles sat in the drivers seat, smiling.

Fatty waved his hands around in the air.

"CD-Ron! Go away! The flying car isn't until book two!"

"Oops!" exclaimed the boy, who Larry now identified as CD-Ron. His face turned pink, and as suddenly as he had came he was off, flying into the night sky.

"Um, what was that about?" asked Larry questioningly, trying to digest what he had just seen.

"Oh, um, yeah, well, um, it was nothing. Well, back to the point. I was sent here to take you to FaceLong School for Witches and Wizards. You are put in houses, perform magic spells, have lessons with the best te-"

"Oooh, lessons! Like skiing lessons?"

Fatty stared blankly at Larry

"...no"

"Oh. Well, uh, what was that part about the magic and stuff"

"Well, you are actually a wizard. You can perform magic"

"Really! That's awesome".

"Yes, uh, awesome. So, uh, let's go"

Harry smiled broadly.

"So you don't have to tell the Mueslis?"

"No"

Larry laughed and flew up to the attic, gathering his clothes and possessions. In a matter of minutes he was off, flying of with the mysterious man named Fatty on a large red motorbike.

It was seven o'clock in the morning when Fatty finally brought down the motorbike from the sky and landed it unceremoniously outside in a narrow lane. Larry and Fatty both got off the motorbike, and Larry looked about himself. Shops lined the street, left and right, most of them pubs. The hearty laughs of men could be heard in the tapered road, but Larry and Fatty paid them no heed. Fatty directed Larry to a solid brick wall, a dead end which concluded the street. All around him, people bustled about, hurrying into the many shops.

Larry and Fatty arrived at the wall, Larry wondering why Fatty was taking him to something as featureless and pointless as a brick wall.

"Well, here we are," said Fatty.

"Yeah, so, we're at a brick wall. Wow. Great. So, what next?"

"Aaah," said Fatty, "well, I'm going to take you shopping"

"Shopping?"

"Exactly"

"But I hate shopping! It's so boring!

"But _this_ shopping is different! We're getting magical things!"

"Yeah, well, um, yeah!"

Fatty shook his head impatiently, and with an exasperated sigh, took out a mottled, orange carrot from his coat pocket. He placed it against the wall, and said,

"Drillius Drillo!"

Instantly, the carrot that he was holding in his hands shone brightly, and in front of Larry's eyes, it morphed into a cordless, electric drill with a rated input power of 500W, a chrome plated chuck, an equilibrium design handle, and a no-load speed of 0-2500r/min.

"Well, get on with it! I thought we were going shopping!" Larry said intolerantly.

"Yes, yes, alright," responded Fatty gruffly.

He pushed down a red button on the drill with his index finger, and he plunged it into the wall, which broke into tiny pieces of shrapnel that soared through the air, exploding into clouds of dust as they smashed into streets lights and shops. Fatty, satisfied with his work, dusted his hands and put the drill back in his pocket.

"Fatty," Larry said the hint of a question in his voice.

"Yes"

"Well, how come nobody noticed that you just demolished a wall in the middle of a busy street?"

"Oh, that. Well, it's a magical wall, you see, "it's enchanted, so that when it explodes, no Huggles can see it. They can't see beyond this wall, either."

"Huggles?"

"Oh, just non-magic folk. Well, let's not linger here, we still have a lot to do".

"Yes," agreed Larry, glancing upwards at the large portion of pages still unread by the reader, "a lot to do"

So it was that Larry and Fatty proceeded through the mound of rubble which had accumulated at their feet, ending up in a large, sprawling town, almost, in complete contrast to the thin road which they had been standing in earlier.

"Welcome to Dorito Alley," said Fatty, sweeping his hand across the landscape behind him.

"It looks boring," said Larry, unimpressed.

"Boring! Dorito Alley, boring! What! It was named after John Dorito, who was in love with Lucy Smith, who asked him to kick her ex-boyfriend Jimmy Slippy in the face, but Jimmy heard of this evil plan and set out to find John Dorito and kill him. On a Saturday night, Jimmy Slippy snuck into John's house, and before John had time to kick him, Jimmy Slippy turned John Dorito into this big alley and then went to Canada to sell cupcakes".

"What a sad and inspirational story," remarked Larry sarcastically, "is it true?"

"No"

Larry and Fatty ventured further into the street, bumping past a large assortment of people, most dressed in long flowing robes and holding overflowing baskets and cases in their hands.

"This alley is where all the witches and wizards of FaceLong buy their things for the new school year. Look, ther-"

"Can you stop explaining everything, you fat man! You're like bloody Nav'i, you are!"

Fatty looked disapprovingly at Larry and refrained himself from picking him up and eating him.

"First we'll get you a wand," said Fatty, pointing to a diminutive shop with a sign reading 'Olive Lavender's Overpriced Wand Shop'.

Fatty and Larry advanced towards the tiny place, and Fatty opened the door, revealing a dimly lit room with rows of bookshelves lining its sides. A desk was set at the back of the room, and at the moment, it was plagued with a huge amount of papers. Sitting beside these papers was a brass bell. Fatty walked up to the bell, placed his hand on top of it and applied pressure to the small button under his hand. A sharp ringing sound pierced the air, and almost immediately, a ladder same sliding down along the bookshelves. An aging man was standing on it. He made for a strange sight- what with his frizzled grey hair that protruded from his scalp at many odd angles, his large circular glasses, and his eyes that seemed to bulge out of his sockets. These same eyes came to rest on Fatty.

Fatty recognised the man and greeted him with blissful salutations.

"Blissful salutations!" Said Fatty

"Why, if it isn't my old friend Fatty!" The man said in a high-pitched, strangled garb. "What brings you and this little one here?"

"Well," replied Fatty, gesturing towards Larry, "This here is Larry Potter, and he's starting his first year at Facelong".

The lively old man turned to face Larry, and he gave him a bit of an unnerved grin. Larry looked questioningly at Fatty, who waved his hand and mouthed the words '_I'll tell you later_'. Larry let out an annoyed sigh, but didn't wish to take it any further-not in front of this freaky old guy.

"Well, my word, me giving a wand to Larry Potter! What a delightful treat!"

And with that he whisked behind a door placed behind the desk. A few seconds later, he emerged back from the doorframe holding a dark, maroon coloured box. He shoved it into Larry's face.

"One of the finest wands around," the man remarked as Larry took the box from him, "made from phoenix ass and bird feathers"

Larry grimaced in disgust, but all the same he opened the lid of the box and withdrew the carrot, brandishing it in his hand like a weapon.

"Now," said the man excitedly, "just wave it around and say something. Make sure it has an _o_ on the end, though".

"Yeah, yeah," said Larry.

He waved the wand about in the air in a circular motion, and shouted, "sheep!"

Nothing happened.

"-_o_!"

Instantly, a flock of sheep appeared in the small room and started running around stupidly like sheep. They smashed into walls, toppled cupboards, and leveled the whole building. Nearby, Zeus rode by outside on a spaceship.

The eccentric, elderly man shouted joyfully, enjoying the sheep spectacle even though the animals were completely bulldozing his shop. Fatty, on the other hand, was not having fun. He raised his wand and shouted out a few words. A bright red light shot out from the carrot and burnt all the sheep to black piles of ash, which lay smoldering all around the shop, the smoke pouring out of them coalescing into one huge cloud before dispersing into the air.

"The perfect wand!" the man said excitedly. "It should work a treat for the young lad!"

"Ah, you've done it again Olive," said Fatty, "well, we best be off, though".

The saluted each other in an ancient wizard salute, sticking both their hands down their throats. Then Fatty turned on his heel and walked out of the dank store, Larry following behind him.

"Fatty," said Larry as they walked out of the store, thankful for the fresh air, "What was that thing about?"

"What thing?" Said Fatty, taking off his coat. "Oh, that. It's a long story. Here, I'll take you into that little place, we can discuss it there."

Fatty extended his finger outwards, and Larry followed it so a large pub that looked as if it had been around for hundreds of years. Paint was peeling of the outside of the place, and mounted on the top of the structure was a splintery wooden sign with the words 'The Squeaky Pauldron' engraved on it in an untidy scrawl. Peals of laughter rang out from the pub, as well as the clinking of bottles. They entered the pub through a little wooden door, and Fatty prepared himself to inform Larry of a tragic tale.

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Hi! Please keep reading, the story gets better as it progresses. Also, when I make the joke about Nav'i, I am referring to the annoying blue fairy in 'The Legend Of Zelda' series, not the blue people from the movie, 'Avatar'


	3. Chapter 2: The Tragic Tale

CHAPTER 2: THE TRAGIC TALE

Larry and Fatty entered the pub, the wooden floorboards under their feet creaking under their weight. A drunken wizard cast a spell on Fatty which made him grow to a considerable height, causing him to smash his head on the chandelier that was dangling from the ceiling. It flew down towards the floor and smashed into a million pieces.

"You fool!" Shouted Fatty at the man who had cast the spell on him, who was smirking in a corner. "You drunken fool!"

"No, you're a drunken fool!" cried out the man.

"You're a drunken fool!"

"No, you're a drunken fool!"

"You're a drunken fool!"

Suddenly, the man fell over and hit the floor with a dull thud. A small, bespectacled young man rushed over to motionless man.

"Sorry 'bout that," he exclaimed, shaking his head. "He faints whenever somebody says 'you drunken fool' too much.

"Well, he is a drunken fool! I'm gonna catch him!"

The drunken man regained consciousness and said to Fatty stupidly, "No, you won't, I'm the gingerbread man!"

Fatty stormed off to the counter, where a young man sprung up and exclaimed, "Hello! I'm a bright blue bowling ball with small black holes!"

"What?" said Larry, gasping.

"No, it's me! The bartender! What would you like?"

"A butter beer for me today," replied Fatty.

Larry added, "Oh, and I'd like a butter beer too, please!"

Fatty turned around and picked up Larry by the scruff of the neck, leaving his legs swaying under him.

"What are you!" shouted Fatty, so angry now that one of his blood vessels burst. Fatty shook Larry around violently. "What are you!"

"I'm a plot device!" said Larry defensively.

Fatty threw Larry down forcefully, causing the floorboards to smash under his weight and collapse. Larry fell down, screaming, tumbling down into a black abyss. Luckily, a trampoline was at the bottom of hole, and Larry sprung back up, landing next to Fatty.

The bartender disappeared under the bench and leapt back up clutching two bottles of foaming butter beer in his hands. He slid them across the bench to Fatty, who took them both, holding them above his head as so to not let Larry reach them. Fatty walked over to a long table, Larry reluctantly following behind him.

They approached the table, and Fatty seated himself in a chair, Larry doing the same. Fatty cleared his throat, calmed himself down, and began to speak.

"I am going to tell you the story of how your parents died."

"Oh, yes," replied Larry, "they were squashed by a pair of rampaging dinosaurs, weren't they?"

Fatty raised an eyebrow at Larry.

"No. The tale of Jelly and Lame Potter's death is much more tragic than that. It was ten years ago when it happened," he said, taking a gulp of butter beer. "You were just a baby, a normal baby, living with your wizard parents. But all that changed one night."

The room seemed to darken around Larry.

"Late on a Saturday night, the most evil of all evil wizards stole into your house, intent on killing you." He guzzled down the rest of the butter beer and continued, "He approached your bed after disposing of Lame and Jelly, but just when he raised his wand above his head in preparation to cast a sinful spell on you, a half-eaten muesli bar fell out of his robe pocket and out the window. 'AIYEEE! MY YUMMY!' he had screamed, proceeding to jump out the window, where he tumbled down to the ground saying 'oh fudge cake'. That evil man died that night, but his body was never found."

Larry took a sharp intake of breath. "What was this man's name?"

"I must not say it."

"Why!"

"It is a dangerous word!"

No word is dangerous! Spit it out!"

Fatty sighed deeply, took a deep breath, and recited the evil name.

"Sauron"

"Sauron?"

"Yes, Sau- no, sorry, there's too many a dark lord of evil around. His name is... _Mouldywart_"

A bright blue flash illuminated the room, cause of the thunder that was now booming outside.

"Hmmm, alright, that was a boring story. Can we go now?"

Fatty let out a frustrated sigh, but in spite of everything, he got up from his chair and led Larry out of the bar.

It was mid-morning by the time Larry and Fatty had finished all their shopping, Larry's cases near bursting point with all the things inside them. They trudged back to the big red motorbike, their feet creating large ripples as they splashed down onto the ground. At one point, Larry slipped over and grazed his hands on the ground.

"OW!" he screamed, clutching his hand, "HELP ME!"

Fatty grumbled and continued to advance towards the motorbike.

"AAAAHHHH! HELP ME!"

Larry continued to writhe around the ground, whimpering.

"I've got an idea," said Fatty, "how about you get up and then we fly off to the train station!"

"What a splendid idea!" said Larry, leaping up off the ground and progressing to run up to the motorbike.

Fatty shook his head and approached the motorbike, and in a matter of seconds they were off, the motorbike whizzing into the sunset. Wait, there was no sunset, and it wasn't whizzing, but those facts are of no importance right now. Right?

* * *

Well, best chapter yet if I do say so myself! Please leave reviews- I love reviews! (Be honest in them-I don't want false praise)!


	4. Chapter 3: Off to Facelong

CHAPTER 3: OFF TO FACELONG

After many hours of driving, Fatty bought down the red beast from sky. As they got off the bike, a yellow Teletubby named Laa-Laa approached them.

"You know where bounce ball is?" said Laa-Laa stupidly.

"No," said Fatty tersely, "go away!"

"Mean man! Not nice!"

Fatty cracked his knuckles.

"Get ready for a knuckle sandwich!"

"No! Laa-Laa want custard sandwich!"

"Oh, you've just crossed the line, you little thing!"

"Would you like to join the Lollipop Guild..., wait, that Munc-"

Before Laa-Laa had time to finish her sentence, Fatty picked her up and scrunched her up into a tiny ball, then threw her onto a hill that she rolled down.

Fatty dusted his hands, wiped the sweat off his face and started to walk towards a dank, dark, moist, clammy, humid, small, claustrophobia-inducing, black tunnel.

"This tunnel is very dank, dark, moist, clammy, humid, small, claustrophobia-inducing and black," remarked Larry.

"Yes, it is," replied Fatty as they walked into the tunnel, popping out of it a couple of seconds later.

After the black blackness of the tunnel, the scene that lay before him amazed Larry. In sharp contrast to the tunnel, it was very dank, dark, moist, clammy, humid and small.

An old toothless man popped up, waving a cane in the air.

"Hey!" he exclaimed, "that doesn't make sense!"

Fatty approached the man and kicked him in the backside, causing him to rocket away.

"Nothing ever makes sense in a parody!" said Fatty.

"Hey Fatty," stated Larry, "why do you keep on changing personality?"

"I don't know," retorted Fatty, "probably because of the author's lack of ability to create utterly believable characters with proper personalities."

Anyway, so, they arrived in a tiny, run down train station complete with tiny little shacks that housed the many Facelong students waiting for the train. The sun was hanging low over the horizon, signaling that it was nearing nighttime. Small wisps of mist lay low over the landscape, which disappeared in small puffs of grey as Larry and Fatty walked their way through them.

Suddenly, there was a loud ringing sound which sliced through the air, accompanied with the churning of the wheels of a train.

"Well, we're just in time," said Fatty as he and Larry drew near to the railroad tracks, gesturing towards the majestic train that was drawing to a halt in front of them, a magnificent plume of smoke escaping out of the funnel located on its roof.

There was a loud squeaking sound as the train halted, and instantly, this sound was replaced by a much louder sound-the sound of many Facelong students hurrying to get on the vehicle. The doors of the train opened inwards, and instantly, several hundreds of students bustled into the train.

"Now, I'll be seeing you later," said Fatty, "you best get on the train now."

"WOOOHOOO!" Larry laughed as he zoomed inside the train, holding his cases in his right hand and in his left, a small flying pig that was sleeping contentedly. Larry loved the pig. It could fly, it was pink, it had wings, it was a pig, and it was really friendly. Buy it at a pet shop near you!

Inside the train, Larry seated himself in a cabin with three red seats and a table set in the centre. Larry lay down his things on the floor and seated himself on one of the chairs, when another student entered the room.

He was the same age as Larry, had red hair, and was wearing a checkered red and black top.

"OMG, OMG, OMG!" said Larry excitedly, "its Rupert Grint! I want your autograph!"

"I'm sorry," replied the boy, giving Larry a questioning look, "I'm not Rupert Grint- my name's CD-Ron!"

"Oh," said Larry disappointedly.

"Well, anyway, may I sit here?"

Larry sighed and said, "Alright then. My name's Larry"

CD-Ron settled himself into one of the chairs, and was just about to pull his PSP out of his pocket when a girl entered the room.

"What is this!" cried Larry, "the dwarf scene in The Hobbit?"

"Um, no," replied the girl curtly, "I was wondering if I could sit here."

"No, that's alright. You can go away now."

"I'm hungry," said CD-Ron.

Instantly, a plump, red cheeked lady appeared, a huge trolley housing a large assortment of sweets in her hands.

"Would you like any sweets, lovelies?" the lady asked.

Larry and CD-Ron leapt up.

"YES!" they said in unison.

CD-Ron and Larry fingered in their pockets but to their dismay, found no coins in them.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed CD-Ron.

The girl smiled. "Will you let me sit here if I buy you the candy?"

"OH BOY!" said CD-Ron, "OF COURSE!

The rosy-cheeked lady turned to the girl.

"What would you like, precious" the lady asked

"I don't know. What would you recommend?" the girl retorted.

"Everything's good here, lovely. I make mouths happy, I do. Come on, don't let hunger happen to you-why don't you try a Snickers?"

"No, thanks. Hey, what are those things there?"

"What, those butterfingers? For display only, I'm sorry. Nobody better lay a figure on those butterfingers!"

The girl sighed.

The confectionary lady started babbling absently to herself.

"I really should start exercising...fitter...skinnier...I have to work, rest, play..."

"Ooooh, may I have a thirty large Milky Ways?"

The lady snapped out of her trance.

"Of course, precious one!"

The lady dived into her trolley and emerged holding thirty Milky Way bars, and promptly handed them over to the girl. Then she zoomed off to the next cabin.

The girl came into the cabin, her hands full with the chocolate bars. She went over to the table and dropped the Milky Ways onto it, creating a loud banging sound that resounded around the tiny area. Instantly, CD-Ron and Larry were on top of the unhealthy snacks, ripping off wrappers and swallowing the bars whole.

Then the chapter ended. Really abruptly.

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Aaaah, I just love teletubbies! Remember, leave REVIEWS! (cut me some slack if u think the writing is bad-I'm still only in primary school!) Also, if you have any ideas that I could possibly add to this story feel free to add them in the REVIEW section (but still leave a REVIEW too)


	5. Chapter 4: Train Troubles

CHAPTER 4: TRAIN TROUBLES

"Mmmmm," said CD-Ron, relishing the taste of the Milky Way that he was now chewing on, "these _are_ good! Thanks, random girl!"

"Actually, my name is Whiny Danger, thank you very much!" replied Whiny.

"Oh, anyway, thanks Whiny!"

"Oh, that's alright. You'll have to pay me back some time, though."

"But I'm poor!"

"You'll still have to pay me back!"

"But, as I said before, I'm poor! And I'm so sincere!"

"Sincerely lame, maybe," replied Whiny, brushing a lock of hair off her face.

Suddenly, a shape of a young boy appeared behind her.

"Hey, Whiny!" Said the boy, the words issuing out of his mouth in a southern drawl, "Can we start dating?"

Whiny frowned. "Um, no, that's alright. Go away now!"

The boy's expression remained unchanged from the wide grin that he wore, and he said, "Sure, whatever you say, Whiny!"

Then he bounced off, reciting a Lord of the Rings poem.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed CD-Ron, "Now I will surely die of sheer boredom!" CD-Ron promptly pulled out a pair of toothpicks and lodged them in his ears, then curled himself into a tight ball.

Once the boy's voice subsided, CD-Ron sat up again and promptly began eating his a Milky Way again (by the way, it was his fifth).

"Uh, what was that about?" asked Larry, not understanding why the boy had acted so strangely.

"Oh, he's just part of the Whiny fan club-I think he loves me."

"Are you serious? The Whiny fan club!"

"Yes, the Whiny Fan Club. I know I'm going to be famous by the end of the last book, so I may as well build my fan base now."

Larry shook his head and frowned, and glanced at CD-Ron munching happily on a Milky Way (it was his eighth). Larry grabbed a bar from the table and ripped off the packaging, when to his surprise, a rectangular, resplendent piece of cardboard emerged from a small slit cut into the interior of the Milky Way, which floated gracefully down onto the ground. Larry extended his hand downwards towards the piece of cardboard, and his fingers curled around the edge of it. He brought his hand up and studied the card with intrigue.

It was like no card he had ever seen before; a holographic image of a wizened old man. He was wearing a pointed hat on his head, and a scraggly beard jutted out from his chin and ended near his feet. Below the picture of the man was the words 'Bus DumbleDude' in flowing, golden, calligraphic writing.

CD-Ron peeked over at the card as he finished his (tenth) Milky Way, and said through a mouthful of food, " 'e is 'e head 'aster 'f Face 'ong.

"Oh, really, "said Larry. Not understanding a word he had said.

Larry flipped the card over and read the brief description of the man depicted on the other side.

_Bus Dumbledude, as of the present moment headmaster of FaceLong._

_Considered by many the awesomest wizard of modern times, Dumbledude is particularly well-known for his defeat of the evil wizard Saruman in 1495, for his discovery of the one use of dragon's blood and his work on alchemy with is partner, Michael Scott, author of the New York Times best-selling book series, 'The Secrets of the Immortal Nicholas Flamel'. Dumbledude enjoys spending time with hot babes and his awesome Ferrari, and he would one day like to become an actor in the hit TV series, 'Teletubbies'._

"He's a very inspirational man, you know. I did some extensive research on him," remarked Whiny in a know-it-all-I-am-the-best-tone.

Larry flicked the card over again, but to his astonishment, found that Dumbledude's portrait was gone.

CD-Ron continued to eat his Milky Ways ( he was now on his fifteenth), and after explaining that Dumbledude's absence was most likely due to his untimely habit of going to Kingpin Bowling Lounge, proceeded to say that he was going to now state the obvious all the time to make the story funnier.

"Hey!" said Whiny, "aren't we supposed to be amazed at how you survived being in the presence of He-Who-Is-A-Clichéd-Villain?"

"Oh yes, now I remember, we have to be amazed at how Larry survived being in the presence He-Who-Is-A-Clichéd-Villain." Said CD-Ron

After much amazement and exchangement of amazing words, Whiny pulled out a book from her Nike sports bag. On the front cover was a picture of a robed figure seated on a throne. A mask was plastered to his face, and its expression was an ugly plastic angel smile. Printed above this picture were the words 'The Red King, by Victor Kelleher'.

Whiny settled herself down onto a chair, opened up the book and transported herself into another world, a world of terrible Australian writing and predictable plotlines.

Whiny was interrupted abruptly as the compartment door slid open and three boys stepped into the room.

All three of them were pale as ghosts. They arranged themselves in a line and they all crossed their arms in unison.

One of the boys, the tallest of the three, took a step forward.

"So it's true, is it? The Potter boy is really here, eh."

"Yes," replied Larry as he studied the other boys. Both had thickset features and were standing on either side of the boy who had just spoken like bodyguards.

The tall boy noticed Larry looking at his companions.

"These two are Crab and Oil. And I'm Dracula, Dracula Malfoy, known to some as Edward Cullen."

A high pitched voice rang out through the interior of the train. "Edward, my love, where are you? Come and sparkle for me in this patch of sunlight!"

Larry smirked.

"Think it's funny, eh? I already know all about you. You little laborer. Potter, you'll soon understand that some families are much, how should I put it, _awesomer_ than others."

Larry, sensing the finality in Dracula's voice, decided not to take his argument any further, and he watched them icily as they exited the room.

The train jolted suddenly and came to an abrupt standstill.

"You have now arrived at FaceLong" said the train driver over the speakers.

"I think this chapter should end now," said CD-Ron.


	6. Chapter 5: The Boat Trip

CHAPTER 5: THE BOAT TRIP

A plume of steam escaped from the funnel, accompanied by Mozart's Symphony Number 6 in D Minor. Why it was accompanied by that, nobody ever knew, or cared to find out. Maybe it was because Mozart came back from the dead. Maybe it was because somebody was imitating him. Or maybe I should just shut up now.

The doors of the train opened with a hiss, and Larry, CD-Ron and Whiny got off the train. They were met by the cold sting of the wind outside.

"Hello!" Said the cold sting of the wind outside.

In front of them stretched an elongated river, and docked at its shore were a number of small wooden boats. Larry and CD-Ron, who were now dressed in their robes, followed Whiny to the group of boats outside.

"First years, first years! Over here!" Rang out the voice of Fatty, who was standing in one of the boats. "Over here!"

Once all the first years were gathered around Fatty, he allocated them all to boats, three on each. CD-Ron, Larry and Whiny were put together, and they shot off in their boat, their vehicle leaving a trail of bubbling froth behind it.

After about 7.896753 hours of traveling, Larry glimpsed the ominous silhouette of Hogwarts. It was perched precariously on top of a towering mountain which looked like it was about to crumble in to pieces any second. A threatening rumble of thunder rumbled threateningly behind the castle, which made CD-Ron jump up into the air.

Arnold Schwarzenegger, who was sitting at the top of the castle, glimpsed CD-Ron hurtling into the air and promptly pulled a bazooka out of his pocket and aimed it at CD-Ron. However, the missile that emerged from the weapon missed horribly and propelled away, where it traveled through multiple dimensions and eventually impacted with Naruto while he was using his ninja skills to beat up some ninjas.

A large group of mourners gathered around the Naruto's body and created a shrine. They all formed a circle around it and prayed that Naruto would have a peaceful afterlife.

Arnold Schwarzenegger threw down his bazooka forcefully.

"I'll be back," he proclaimed, and then he left.

Eventually, all the boats of the first years halted in front of the base of the cliff. A frayed rope ladder hung down from the top of the cliff, and it swayed from side to side.

They started to climb up the ladder, and when they were all standing on the cliff, they proceeded to head towards the large oak door at the front of the school.

Larry rapped on the door twice, and it opened with a creak, to reveal a magnificent dining hall. Larry gaped. He had never seen a dining hall before.

"Enter," said a disembodied voice, and with that, Larry, CD-Ron and Whiny took their first steps into their new school.

* * *

I know it's a short chapter,but that means I will be updating soon with a new chapter. HUZZAH! Please leave reviews-I don't seem to be getting many! :( And because I felt very sorry for the mourners of Naruto, I decided to show them his gravestone. May his legend live on.

/ In loving memory of \

/ Naruto Sasublahblah... \

/ A true Fighter \

/ 1990-2010 \

/ _ \


	7. Chapter 6: The Hat of Sortingness

CHAPTER 6: THE HAT OF SORTINGNESS

All of the first years entered the building, mouths agape and eyes wide. The floor was completely golden, and it was painted in a thick layer of golden glitter paint. Long, wooden tables were placed all around the room in rows, and on them were steaming mugs of cold milk (WTF?). Chairs were set into the floor in front of the tables, and at the moment, most of them were housing all the students who had already experienced one or more years at FaceLong. They murmured excitedly as Fatty orchestrated the first years into a line against the wall.

One of the girls in that line was named Amanda.

Amanda was wearing a pink shirt with big purple stripes. Printed on it was a picture of a lizard, and lots of cool GLITTER was all over the shirt! It was made out of polyester and was made in China by hard working laborers.

Her pants were an eye-burning hot pink. They ended at her ankles, and at the bottom of them there were a few sparkly sequins. The pants had a grey zip, which was made out of metal and was used to zip up her pants. She was wearing a fashionable, glittering blue belt on her pants, and this belt had a metal clasp and five holes. On the side of the belt was a big stain, cause of an accident with a bottle of Diet Coke last weekend.

On her hands she was wearing a shining array of bling. Each of her fingers had a ring on it, with a blue diamond in one, a green diamond in another, a red diamond in another, a rainbow diamond in another, a brown diamond in another, a pink diamond in another, a purple diamond in another, a yellow diamond in another, an aqua diamond in another and an orange diamond on her left pinky, which had a finger between it and her left middle finger. She had five elastic bands around her wrist, and they were elastic and could be stretched with ease.

She was wearing some comfortable white socks completely devoid of any stains or damage, except for a small hole at the bottom of one of them which could be seen if she took her foot out of her shoe. Speaking of her shoes, she had one on each foot. Both of them were white and pink and had a minimal number of holes in them. They were made out of rubber imported from China which was then crafted into the very shoes she was wearing. The shoes had fluffy pink laces made of fluffy pink stuff. Imprinted on her shoes was the Nike logo. The shoes were bought by Amanda from a shoe shop in England.

She had styled her hair into a bun and skewered two chopsticks through it which she had found at a Chinese restaurant on the ground. Her face was covered in mascara and lipstick and she had ugly black eye shadow on her eyelids. Her mouth was pursed tightly and her eyes were wide open. Her eyes were blue and her pupils were black and the rest of her eye was white. She had a small, pointed organ between her mouth and her eyes called a nose, which she used to smell things and to breathe. There are also many other uses of the nose, if you did not know, including conditioning the air we breathe and our primary way of sneezing. Noses are very important things, you see.

Her ears were very large and she was often bullied about this. They were tinged with red, and were used to detect sound. However, they did not only act as a sound reciever, they helped her to balance her body. Fun Fact: Ears are part of the auditory system!

Amanda was not a very likeable girl, and she is of no importance to the story.

"Put on your robe!" said Fatty to Amanda.

Shall we carry on then?

Larry looked about himself to take his mind off the apparent squashing feeling he was experiencing. He noticed a long wooden table at the back of the room. Seated behind this table was a group of adults. They varied in age and size.

In the centre of the table was a worn old hat which had been patched together with some band-aids. It flopped about like it was alive.

Suddenly, one of the figures behind the table stood up, the hat in his hands. He broke the silence.

"I would like to make a speech before the excitement of the sorting ceremony" He said in a frail old voice. Larry now recognised him as the man from the card he had found on the train. "Do not enter the French Fry Forest, it is forbidden. Thank you".

Then he sat down.

Everybody broke out into a loud applause at the inspirational speech. The man smiled and put the sorting hat down on the table again, upon which it began to sing a song. Stevie Wonder appeared next to the hat with his guitar, and he started to strum.

_Oh, you may not think I'm pretty,  
But don't judge on what you see,  
I'll eat myself if you can find  
A smarter hat than me.  
You can keep your bowlers black,  
Your top hats sleek and tall,  
For I'm the Hogwarts Sorting Hat  
And I can top them all.  
There's nothing hidden in your head  
The Sorting Hat can't see,  
So try me on and I will tell you  
Where you ought to be.  
You might belong in Griffin Snore,  
Where dwell the brave at heart,  
Their daring, nerve and chivalry  
Set Griffin Snores apart;  
You might belong in Huff and Puff,  
Where they are just and loyal,  
Those patient Huff and Puffs are true  
And unafraid of toil;  
Or yet in wise old Ravenpaw,  
If you've a steady mind,  
Where those of wit and learning,  
Will always find their kind;  
Or perhaps in Smiths Thins  
You'll make your real friends,  
Those cunning folk use any means  
To achieve their ends.  
So put me on! Don't be afraid!  
And don't get in a flap!  
You're in safe hands (though I have none)  
For I'm a Thinking Cap_

"Does that song sound familiar to you?" whispered Larry to Whiny.

The crowd clapped, upon which Stevie grew a pair of wings and flew off.

As the clapping became more subdued, one of the teachers, a tall, bespectacled young man, arose from his seat. Another teacher came to his side. She was named Mrs. McDonalds, and she was from the prologue. Remember?

The lady began to speak.

"Hello, everybody. Before we start the sorting, I would like to introduce to you a new addition to our staff this year. Please welcome Professor Mouldywart, to my immediate right!"

Everybody exchanged glances at the professor's name.

"Now, I know what you are all thinking. It is just a mere coincidence that his name happens to be the same as He-Who-Is-A-Cliched-Villain's.

Everybody let out a deep breath and instantly the tension was gone.

"I would now like to ask that you kindly listen to Professor Mouldywart's speech."

The man nodded at her and took a deep breath.

"Hello all!" He said enthusiastically. "I am very excited to be coming to kill, er, teach you! I hope we have a wonderful year together of erm, murderin-, sorry, _learning_ about Defense Against the Dark Arts. That is all."

The school broke out into applause again, even louder than before.

"Now," began Mrs. McDonalds, "the sorting ceremony will commence."

She reached into her emerald green robe pocket and took out a tattered scroll that went from her head to her feet. Written on it in cursive writing were the names of all the first years. She cleared her throat and began to speak.

"First years, I will be calling you up one at a time. Upon your name being called out, you will come up to me, and put on this hat," she gestured to the hat with her hand, "and it will sort you into your respective houses. After you have been sorted, you may go and sit with your house one of these four tables. Shall we begin?"

There was a rustle of excitement from all the first years.

"Lauren Smith, would you please come up to the front."

A girl near the front of the line walked nervously up to Mrs. McDonalds, who pulled up a small wooden chair, which Lauren sat on. It was then that Larry noticed how beautiful Lauren was; she had magnificent hazelnut eyes, and sometimes, when she blinked, hazelnuts came tumbling out of her pupils. Larry decided that he did not like her anymore, for no apparent reason.

Mrs. McDonalds picked up the hat from the table with frail, wrinkled hands and placed it on Lauren's head. She closed her eyes tightly and prayed that she would get placed in Huff and Puff.

The hat just sat there on her head for a long time, mumbling softly to itself, the folds that created its eyes narrowing downwards. Finally, it spoke.

"Huff and Puff, you must. Do good things there, you will."

Lauren stood up, threw off the hat, did a little Irish jig to some music played by a Leprechaun band, bowed, and ran ecstatically over to the Huff and Puff table, where all the other members of the house were doing the Macarena. After the Huff and Puff's stopped their dancing, they all sat down and clapped Lauren heartily on the back.

"CD-Ron Peasley," announced Mrs. McDonalds.

CD-Ron timidly approached the chair and sat down. Mrs McDonalds put the hat on CD-Ron's head. CD-Ron whispered to the hat that he wanted to be in Griffin Snore.

The hat whispered back to him in a strangled garb comparable to the voice of Batman.

"You must open your heart to all the houses, young one. Griffin Snore is not the only place for one such as you."

"But I am afraid that if I open my heart too much, it will get a hole in it! And all my vessels will spill out!"

The hat whacked CD-Ron on the face with a hand that it did not have.

"Griffin Snore it is, then!"

The Griffin Snores started screaming and they greeted CD-Ron warmly with great big bear hugs.

After another 2 hours of this endless cycle of announcement and celebrating, Larry and Whiny were the only ones left to be sorted.

"Whiny Danger, up to the front, please," said Mrs. McDonalds.

Whiny walked up to the front confidently and seated herself on the chair. The hat was barely placed on her head before it shouted out, "Griffin Snore, she is!"

Whiny laughed and giggled and ran down to the Griffin Snore table.

"Last of all," said Mrs. McDonalds, "is a very special boy. Larry Potter, your turn."

Larry ran up to the chair and sat down. Most of the school were gazing at him with expressions of awe on their faces. Mrs. McDonalds put the hat on his head, and Larry closed his eyes tightly, wishing that he would be put with CD-Ron in Griffin Snore.

The hat just sat there on his head, contemplating its choices, searching deep within Larry's mind.

"Smiths Thins, you could," said the hat, musing to itself. "Or maybe Griffin Snore. Yes, GRIFFIN SNORE IT IS!"

Larry did three back flips, a front flip, a cart wheel, four hand stands, six commando rolls and two star jumps. Then he whizzed up to the Griffin Snore table and dived onto it, where he was caught by the energised students. They carried him around and accidentally dropped him on the floor. Larry shouted out in pain and looked back at the teachers, and thought he saw the faintest hint of a smile on Professor Moudywart's face.


	8. Chapter 7: The Common Room

CHAPTER 7: THE COMMON ROOM

After Larry, CD-Ron and Whiny had finished their delicious dinners with the rest of Griffin Snore, they were instructed to go to their house common room by Mrs. McDonalds, who Larry had recently discovered was the head of Griffin Snore after having an interesting conversation with CD-Ron's two mischievous brothers, Porridge and Ted, the clowns of the school. Always ready to crack a joke or two, you couldn't cross them without them attempting to make you smile.

Larry, CD-Ron and Whiny tagged behind the older students of Griffin Snore as they made their way to the common room. They passed through hallways whose walls were decorated with a vast array of pictures that moved around inside their frames.

After about five minutes, Larry saw a sizeable picture set into a wall which closed off the hall, creating a dead end. On the picture was a watermark painting of a twig like, skinny lady, and she was humming softly to herself and sitting down on a rocking chair. Next to the painting was a small, silver box with a number of blinking, flashing buttons on it.

One the older boys stepped outside of the group and began to speak, "I would like to have a word with all the first years as to how this system works. All who know how to operate the box, please pass through. Nearly all of the students made a line in front of the flashing device, and one of them typed in a five digit code. As she pressed blue button down the bottom of the machine, the painting swung inward and allowed her to go inside.

"As you may have just seen," continued the boy, "your only way of entering the common room is by means of typing in your respective password in that small box over there. Now, I only ask that you go up to the box and type up a five digit code using any letters or any numbers. This will be used as your password for the remainder of the year. Choose wisely. Please make a line."

All the first years formed a line in front of the box. The student at the front punched in a couple of digits, and instantly, the painting swung open to let her through. The next person to choose their password was named Johnny. Johnny had a reputation for being a little _rude_ sometimes, and this was represented in his password choice. Larry glimpsed on the box the letter d at the start and the letter k at the end, and when Johnny pressed the blue button down the bottom, the machine came up with the message: ERROR. NOT LONG ENOUGH, to which Johnny burst out laughing. Larry didn't know what he was laughing about, and he just stared at Johnny questioningly as he typed in a new password.

**Note to Minors:** Yes, I know this is a K+ story, but I just had to use that joke. Will you forgive me? Of course you will. Next!

A couple of minutes later, everybody had entered in their new passwords and were now inside the common room. Larry found a bed, threw himself on to it and fell into a deep sleep.

Outside, Satan was trying to break into the Griffin Snore common room. He had done it before, but the trouble was, he couldn't get in as he had forgotten the last digit of his code. "Hmmmmm," he mused to himself, hmmmmming aloud. He had already entered in the first four digits, 6666 but what was the fifth? He cursed the devil (himself, WT?) and flew away.

It was early in the morning when Larry woke to the sound of birds dying because of poor environmental conditions. Our climate is important! SAVE THE BIRDS!**  
**Ok, back on track. Larry looked about himself, and saw that nobody was awake. Because nobody was awake, he went back to sleep. The end of Chapter 7.

* * *

I don't really like this chapter much, but tell me what you think in the reviews section.

**Note to Minors:** Leave a review

**Note to Teenagers:** Leave a review

**Note to Parents: **Leave a review

**Note to Single Mums and Dads: **Leave a review

**Note to adults who are not married: **Leave a review

**Note to elderly people: **Leave a review

**Note to very elderly people: **Leave a review

In case you didn't get the point of that little exercise up there, leave a review.


	9. Chapter 8: Classes

CHAPTER 8: CLASSES

Larry woke up again that same day, expecting that his day would be uneventful, peaceful and relaxing. However, this dream was instantly erased when Mrs. McDonalds entered the common room late in the morning and handed out pieces of paper to all the First Years. As Larry received his, he groaned for a whole minute. The sheet showed his class timetable for the day, and just by glancing at it, he could see that his day was going to be anything but calm. He had classes on the whole day, from Potions to Defense Against the Dark Arts and Transfiguration. Worse still, he was to attend History of Magic for the first period which he had learnt was the most _boring_ subject. He moaned loudly, as did all the other first years who were now looking at their timetables, and changed into his robe and gathered his textbooks. History of Magic was due to start in ten minutes, and he had heard that the teacher was very strict. He didn't want to be late.

Once CD-Ron and Whiny were ready, they strode out of the common room down towards the History of Magic classroom. They passed by Amanda, who was listening to some crap music, shaking her head around wildly and shouting, "this sh*t is MAD!"

Larry pictured her as an egg being boiled and smiled absently to himself.

**Note to Minors: **Swearing is not cool.

They also went past a second year person on their way to their first class. His name was Bob. Bob's favourite colour was red and he liked to play board games and watch Youtube videos. His favourite movie was Ella Enchanted. He was very, very scared of chickens and ran away whenever he saw one. He was the best at chasey and loved beating everybody. He also loved to read books. Now that you know everything about Bob we can move on.

Larry, CD-Ron and Whiny arrived at the classroom one second late. Everybody else was already there and were seated in their chairs. Dracula looked around at the newcomers and sniggered evilly.

"You are late," said a big, thickset lady, staring icily at Larry and his friends. Dracula sniggered evilly. "Do you know what happens to people that are late? They go and sit at the back...AND FACE _AWAY FROM THE CLASS!_"

Everybody gasped loudly at this threat. Dracula sniggered evilly. Clara opened her mouth. Sammy's eyes widened. Jennifer gaped. Alex put his hands over his mouth. Josh started biting his nails. Lee put on a very scared face.

"Who are these people you are describing?" wondered Larry aloud.

Dracula sniggered evilly.

And because this scene is very boring I will skip it.

After the torturous events of the History of Magic class, Larry was relieved to find out that his next class was Potions. He was looking forward to making something. He had loved cooking for the Muesli's. Once he made honey joys, and he had them for tea with some Munchkins. He really was a complete loser.

This time, they arrived at the classroom a little bit early, and had time enough to get ready for the class. They went to the same table and pulled up a chair for themselves.

Standing at the back of the room, sorting through a large variety of potion bottles, was the Potions teacher, Professor Sniper. He had black, greasy hair that he soaked daily in a puddle of oil. He also had a large rifle strapped to a belt around his waist and had a hook nose. He sometimes used his nose to catch fish because of its hook like qualities.

Professor Sniper paid Larry, CD-Ron and Whiny no heed and continued his mindless sorting. It was only when all of the first years had seated themselves in the small classroom did he turn around and face them.

Some of the students cringed in fear as he studied them with his bottomless black eyes that seemed to pierce right through them. As his eyes came to rest over Dracula, he smiled.

"You in Smiths Thins?" asked Sniper.

Dracula nodded in a silent reply, smiling. Sniper returned a smile. Dracula laughed evilly for no apparent reason.

"You are here to learn the subtle science and precise art of potion making. I expect only the best from you. Some of you will never understand the absolutely pristine beauty of a softly simmering cauldron with its shimmering fumes, the delicate art of creating such a beautiful thing. Nevertheless, you will all have to follow my orders today, and if anybody speaks out of line, I will pers-

"What does out of line mean?" asked a pudgy boy named Shovel Shortbottom.

Sniper whipped out the rifle from its holster and pointed it at Shovel. He stared down the barrel.

Dracula sniggered evilly.

Suddenly, all of a sudden the door suddenly opened all of a sudden and suddenly revealed the shape of a girl who stepped into the room suddenly all of a sudden. OMG OMG OMG the door opened so suddenly! Everybody thought they were going to die of shock.

She was wearing a pink shirt and short, orange pants. On her back was slung a purple backpack with a map sticking out of it. She looked in shock at Sniper.

"Sniper no sniping! Sniper no sniping! Sniper noooo sniping" said the girl.

Sniper clicked his fingers. "OH MAN!"

He put the gun back in its holster and stared frigidly at the girl. Taking he hint, she skipped out of the room and continued her adventures.

"Now," said Sniper, "if any of you _dunderheads_ do something silly again, I will be forced to take immediate...how should I say it..._action."_

Larry saw Whiny on the edge of her seat, wanting desperately to prove that she was the best and was certainly not a _dunderhead_.

"Ah, Potter, Sniper said suddenly, turning his gaze to Larry, "would you answer this question for me? What would you get if you added together," he paused for a moment, "a skunk and a pair of tennis racquets? Come on class, let's see what our little _celebrity_ has to say, eh?"

Dracula sniggered evilly.

Whiny's hand shot up and she bounced up and down on her chair, signaling to the whole world that she knew the answer. But Sniper didn't seem to be interested in Whiny. He just looked at Larry coldly, awaiting a response. Larry had not the faintest idea of what you would get if you added a pair of tennis racquets and a skunk into a cauldron. He pretended to cough to waste some time and think through his options. Trouble was, he had no options, so scrap that last sentence. Eventually, he said, "I don't know, sir."

Dracula sniggered even more evilly than he normally sniggered! Oh, the drama!

Sniper laughed grimly, "Potter, this is the most simplest of questions." He continued to ignore Whiny's ecstatic bouncing. "the answer, quite simply, is a ping pong."

At this, Dracula and his two friends, Crab and Oil, fell to the ground in hysterics. They laughed so hard that they LOLed out loud. Dracula was even able to snigger evilly while he was laughing. Sniper joined in the laughing, but his laugh was empty and without emotion. Larry wished he could fly away on a bird made of spaghetti. Wished that it would take him to a secluded mountain far, far away. Larry thought up some very strange things.

When the laughing eventually stopped, Professor Sniper put all the students into pairs. He made a point of pairing Larry with Dracula, and Larry glimpsed Sniper, in his long black robe, whispering something in Dracula's ear. Larry guessed it was probably something like _'give Potter a hard time'_. Whiny was put with Shovel and CD-Ron was placed with a boy named Jonathan. They were set the task of creating a simple curing potion called _A Simple Curing Potion, _but just at one glance at the recipe Sniper had provided for each of them, it looked anything but simple. The paper was crammed with side notes and important things to remember when _boiling slug juice_ and performing other actions of the same nature.

Larry and Dracula set to work on creating their potion. Dracula forced Larry to do the majority of the work, but Sniper didn't seem to mind. Sniper seemed to really like Dracula, but he wasn't sure why. In Larry's opinion, Dracula was a rude, egoistic, precocious brat.

**Note to Minors: **Never be mean about your peers.

Larry was intently chopping up some fish eyes while Dracula was stirring a disgusting brew of bat blood and simmered chicken feet, when Sniper approached them.

He bent over Dracula's mix and smiled in approval. Then he turned to Larry and poked his tongue out at him.

Larry decided he couldn't take Sniper's nastiness anymore. With a heave, he lifted up Dracula's bowl and threw it directly at Sniper's face.

Oil is any substance that is a liquid at ambient temperatures and is hydrophobic but soluble in organic solvents. Because of the dizzying array of chemical compounds found in oil, it is highly flammable. Uh-oh. Bad news for Sniper.

The mix of bat blood and simmered chicken feet splashed all over Snipers face. Incase you did not know, oil does not mix with such a concoction, and with a huge crackling noise, Sniper's oil soaked hair burst into a giant tongue of flame.

"Oh no!" screamed Sniper, "I think my head is on fire! Somebody HELP!"

He started running around hysterically through the classroom, the flames dancing around on his head and burning his hair. "My hair! My beautiful hair! Oh, what will I do?"

Suddenly, Sportacus from Lazy Town flew through the window, causing shards of glass to cascade all over the room.

"Help is here!" He said as he did a random back flip for no reason.

"Put out this fire!" shouted Sniper, "PUT IT OUT!"

"Never fear, Sportacus is here!" And with that, he did a flip onto Sniper's desk and did a back flip off it. He had retrieved from the desk a water bottle, and he ran up to Sniper, did a flip, and while he was spinning around, squirted a gigantic geyser of water out of the bottle which went shooting into Snape's hair, instantly putting out the flames. Then he cart wheeled out of the window.

'Ooookay," said CD-Ron.

Sniper walked up to Larry purposefully, a thick cloud of smoke billowing out of his scalp. "For that, I will take of 1 point from Griffin Snore!"

All the Griffin Snores sighed. All the Huff and Puffs smiled. All the Smiths Thins cackled. All the RavenPaws put their thumbs up. Dracula sniggered evilly.

The Potions Class ended ten minutes later, Sniper finishing the class early so he could fix his hair for the next period. Larry was glad of this. He had hated the Potions class, and when he caught up with Whiny and CD-Ron again, they had agreed. However, they did seem a bit surprised about Larry's violent actions.

The next class was Transfiguration with Mrs. McDonalds. Larry and CD-Ron were not looking forward t this class, even though they enjoyed the prospect of transforming things from their original state. The truth was, they were scared out of their wits of Mrs. McDonalds. Her strict demeanor made them shiver. But Whiny, of course, didn't seem to mind, because she was the best at everything.

However, it didn't turn out so bad; While Mrs. McDonalds maintained her stern character throughout the class, she would often offer a rare smile for those who did well or improved over their last try. Larry and CD-Ron actually grew to mildly respect her.

But the class everyone was lookng forward to was Defense Against the Dark Arts. However, Professor Mouldywart turned out to be a very boring teacher and they were forced to stare at textbooks for the whole period. On top of this, Professor Mouldywart kept on making strange comments, even going as far as to say that he was going to kill them all. But he denied he said this after Mrs. McDonalds approached him after the lesson after she was informed of Professor Mouldywart's actions by Shovel Shortbottom.

The last class of the day was a breeze for Whiny and Larry. In Charms, they were taught how to raise objects into the air using their carrots and muttering the words _upo airo_. In no time at all, most of the class had grasped the concept except for CD-Ron, who kept on raising his feather only a couple of inches off the ground. Professor CandleWick, the midget teacher who was smaller than a porcupine, waddled around commending all the students on their efforts. Nobody could see him, anyway, so it didn't really matter what he did.

When Larry finally got back to Griffin Snore common room, he was exhausted. But his day was far from over. Because at that moment, a flying pie flew through the window clutching a scroll in one of its feet. It dropped the note on Larry's head, and then flew off. Larry bent down and picked up the paper. It read;

_Dear Dearest Larry,_

_I do hate you, but I thought I would you invite you for tea so we could advance this story in a practical manner. I just want to show you something. Come over here at six, will you? You have to actually. Come on. I live in the little cottage near the French Fry Forest._

_From Fatty_

_P.S. I hate you_

_P.S.S. Bring Whiny and CD-Ron or whatever your friends are called_

Larry sighed deeply and set off to Fatty's house.


End file.
